CONNOR: “Welcome back to Heavenly Affairs, I’m your host, Hermes! Boy have we got a show for you today. We’ve got the most interesting family here - the triad of Greek brothers who do not get along. Zeus, Hades, Poseidon, come on down!”
[enter ZEUS, HADES, and POSEIDON, who is rolled out in a tank of water]
CONNOR: Alright, Hades, since you’re the oldest one, why don’t you tell us about yourself first?
HADES: [grumbles incoherently while looking vaguely aggravated] My name is Hades, Lord of the Dead.
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): Woooooo!
HADES: [pinches bridge of nose with a sigh] Please don’t be embarrassing.
CONNOR: Ooookay…. Up next, we have Poseidon, the second oldest. Tell us a little about yourself.
POSEIDON: [bursting through the surface of the tank water] I’m an Aquarius, glub glub. I am ruler of the, glub glub, seas. Ladies, if I were the tide and you were the shores, I’d be coming into you all night. Glub…. Glub.
CONNOR: Ooooooookay….Zeus, last but certainly not least, why don’t you give us some insight into your life?
ZEUS: Thou dost knoweth who I am. [looks to the audience with a dazzlingly white smile]
HADES: [mutters] Always so modest. Spoiled brat.
CONNOR: So, gentlemen, I’d like to thank you for your time here today. I understand that there is some...dispute between the three of you. Is that correct to say?
HADES: [grumbles again] Understatement.
POSEIDON: [starts singing “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift, with various “glub” noises]
ZEUS: These lesser deities perhaps have quarrels of their own, but I refuse to lower myself to their layers of the earth.
CONNOR: Alright, well then since none of you are good with the whole ‘sharing your feels’ thing, let’s start with some deep-rooted psychology questions to pick each of your brains. First off, what’s a favorite memory you all have of one another?
HADES: Mom’s face when Zeus had to tell her he’d knocked up 15 mortal women.
POSEIDON: When Zeus told me how he knocked up 15 mortal women.
ZEUS: When I spread my seed amongst 15 mortal women...on Hades’ birthday and mother was forced to cancel the party - I detest parties not in my honor. [Turns to Hades] No birthday cake for thou!
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): Booooo!
CONNOR: Wow, that’s messed up. The alimony must be ridiculous. So, speaking of women...are there any special ladies in your gods’ lives?
HADES: (grumbling) My wife divorces me six months every year.
HADES: Well it’s better than sleeping with fish.
POSEIDON: Hey, have you ever actually slept with one? [winks] glub glub.
ZEUS: Besides, I believe, Hades, that as the earthly phrase goes, thou sleeps with the fishes every day! But speaking of our women (nervously)...um...our goddesses - mine is by far the most beautiful! The envy of all the worlds!
[DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG) makes mocking whip noises]
CONNOR: So, now for the juicy stuff...what’s the biggest secret you know about your brothers?
POSEIDON: [excitedly] Glub, glub, glub, glub.
HADES: Poseidon has a red wig and a seashell bra and sings “Part of Your World” at least once a week.
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): We can hear it from down here! [Sings a clip of the song]
POSEIDON: Sometimes I like to get in touch with my feminine side...that’s how the ladies let me get in touch with their feminine side. [winks]
ZEUS [now a platypus]: Hades has an unnatural passion for birdwatching! [proud of himself for thinking up such an insult]
HADES: [sadly] They’re so free.
POSEIDON: Lame. Especially from you Zeus, whose weird desire to always be an animal gets creepy at family dinners.
HADES: You two have family dinners?
[POSEIDON and ZEUS look guiltily at one another]
That’s it! [The ground begins to shake]
Zeus: [worried] Hera? Hera, I swear I didn’t say anything…
HADES: I’m tired of being left in the ashes of you two!
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): Tell ‘em, Hads!
HADES: Zeus, you have all of the birds, and the sky and Olympus. Poseidon, you have all the sea! All I have is dirt and damned souls.
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): Represent!
POSEIDON: Glub, glub. You have Cerberus.
HADES: He ran away last Tuesday. I came here today to try and get something more. To get my family back - but now I remember why I prefer living with the dead. [begins crying]
[ZEUS, changing into human form again, looks to POSEIDON]
POSEIDON: Come on, dude. That’s a little uncool for the God of the underworld. Just because we don’t get along doesn’t mean we aren’t your brothers.
ZEUS: Yes, thoust are my two closest companions. Those years in father’s stomach weren’t for nothing. That was true bonding.
DAMNED SOUL (NAMED GREG): That’s so beautiful. [Wiping eye holes with tissue]
CONNOR: [tearing up] Come on, fellas. Let’s hug it out.
[ZEUS and POSEIDON reach to hug HADES]
[MERMAN hurriedly rolls into room in tank of water]
MERMAN (NAMED DWIGHT): Poseidon! Cerberus got loose!
[The brothers pull apart, HADES looking bewilderingly at POSEIDON]
POSEIDON: That’s my cue. [Makes finger-guns at the audience and rolls away]